how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
