I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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