smell my finger.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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