Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
