Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
