My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
