i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
