The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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