At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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