The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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