someone threw a dead crab at me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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