I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
