Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
