I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
