I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
