I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
FUCK WHALES
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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