1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
