You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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