i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
