I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
