You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
