ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
