I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
