Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
