At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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