Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
do nipples grow back?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
