just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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