It's Friday. Sex?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
