I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Randomize
