This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
