If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
