She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Please don't give away my fajitas
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
