dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
