Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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