I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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