you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
