I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
