May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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