It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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