Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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