Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
