Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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