I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
