got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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