I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I can't trust your balls anymore.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
