if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
