Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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