thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
