He asked to "fluff my boner.."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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