We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
